Saturday, 30 August 2014

Remembering Mum

Hello honeys
I'm sorry I haven't been around, coping has been difficult these past weeks.  Thursday was my sweet Mother-in-law's funeral. It really does break my heart that I wasn't able to go, living almost 500 miles away.  Even traveling less than two miles to work & back leaves me in such pain at times, but I would gladly have faced any amount of pain for Mum. Unfortunately though we had no one to mind Jade, who had hurt her leg and was limping for few days, thankfully she seems much better now.  Hubby travelled down though and says the service was lovely.

I organized for two dozen beautiful cerise roses to be delivered for the service and then decided, if I couldn't physically be there,  I'd say goodbye in my own way. So that is what I did.  Mum's service began at 2pm and I lit a lovely rose scented candle for her, at exactly 2pm, here at home. 

There were in fact three candles. The rose candle, I know Mum would have loved and it was to celebrate the years I was blessed to have this dear, sweet lady in my life. A rose candle because like me, she loved them and we used to send roses on her birthday each year, for Mother's Day & sometimes just because.  The two pretty little berry scented tealight candles were from Ikea and were for a fun filled memory of a great day we had, Mum, hubby & I in Ikea on her last holiday with us. Mum's first ever Ikea visit and a day full of smiles and laughter. It's a memory I'll treasure.

The beautiful flowers, roses & freesias, were a gift from hubby's colleagues at work. Aren't they beautiful? Such a kind, sweet and thoughtful gift, and so very appreciated.  Yesterday morning I arranged the flowers & candles in front of photos of Mum & Dad, and, as I promised I would, I took some photos to share with my dear brother in law.

At 2pm I lit Mum's candles and sat quietly for a while. I read out the piece I'd written to be included in Mum’s eulogy then I chatted to Mum for a while, I told her some stuff I’d always wanted to and somehow never got around to, told her how much I’d miss her and how much I love her, and then I cried for a long time. I shouldn't really have had any tears left because I've cried so much since we found out but maybe I needed to.  Mum was wonderful and deserves an ocean of tears, although I know that she'd never want any of us to cry or be hurt.   

So, there it is. We've all said goodbye in our own ways. My husband & his siblings were all so, so lucky to have been given such amazing parents, and for many years (still not enough) I got to share them too. I was blessed to be able to know & love them both & I’m so grateful for that.  The pain of not having Mum with us is only made (nearly) bearable because I know that she’ll be happy & with Dad again.

We didn't expect to lose Mum at all and so it really did, as these awful life shocks always do, feel like a real body blow and I wouldn't have coped at all without the love and support I've had from hubby. In the midst of his own pain and suffering and knowing how much I adored Mum, he's been his wonderful self and let me rage at an unfair world that would take Mum from us, and pick up the pieces each time I cried.

It's a very true saying that in times like this we learn valuable life lessons.  Damn it though, why are lessons only ever learned through pain? Why don't we ever learn a life lesson and think "wow, that was fun and I got to learn something too" 

Of course sometimes, if we are very lucky, we are reminded by dear, sweet, generous, caring people that we're not alone. Even if it feels very much as if we are.  While sitting by Mum and Dad's photo on Thursday, waiting, watching the hands on the clock drag their way around to 2pm, the phone rang.

Now if it had been someone trying to sell me double glazing I think I would have lost the plot but it wasn't, it was a dear, wonderful friend <hugs Francine so tightly> calling from across the world just because she wanted to be with me, so that I knew I wasn't alone.  There are no words to say what that meant to me, or how much it helped me through what was a really difficult day. None, except I love you Francine. I don't know what I ever did to deserve a friend like you but every day I'm so grateful you're a part of my life. Thank you angel, you're a friend in a million xx

Now I'm all teary again, but in a good way. Not painful tears but happy grateful ones. In a lot of ways my life is very isolated, illness does that over time I suppose. You stop going out, lose touch with people, but its made me so grateful for the people who are still a part of my life.  Like my dear wee Meme, so much more than a friend, far more than a sister. We've shared so much these past 20 years and I love her so much. Thank you for always being there sweetheart xx

I'm so lucky too, to have met some lovely, caring, dear blogging friends too, who all took time to leave comments for me. Thank you so, so much to the lovely Leah Hazel Jane & Jemma you don't know how much your support and lovely comments meant over some dark days and mean to me now dear ones and how much they've helped. I wish I could hug each of you in person, but all I can do is to send you heaps of love and hugs across the internet xxx Thank you so much for caring honeys xx

Till next time dear ones, smile, laugh, hug everyone you love and stay the sweet lovely people that you are, hugs always xxx

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