Hello Honeys,

I'm sorry I've been missing. I'm not coping honeys, not even a little bit. Today is February 1st, it's Time To Talk Day. This year's Time To Talk Day wants to encourage all of us to talk more, to reach out if we need to and to say what we feel and not to just say "fine" when asked how we are.

As it happens, I'm not fine actually and I know I'm not alone. It would be lovely if the world was always understanding, always empathic and always caring, but unfortunately, even with the best of intentions and the kindest of hearts, finding understanding over the loss of a furbaby can be difficult.

In the last ten days or so I've heard of two others who have lost their beloved furbabies and it breaks my heart that others are going through the same pain. At this time of year too, when we're beginning to escape winter, looking towards better days.

The start of a new year is when we're able to look ahead to the sunnier days of spring, planning all of the fun things you'll do when the warmer days arrive. Maybe planning holidays, home projects, time with family outside, barbeques in the garden. It's when you take stock, when you want your family close and Jade was our family.

Jade really was the whole world to us, she was everything and there are no words for how painful it is to not have her here with us. This is the first time in decades, over thirty years, that we haven't had furbaby paws blessing our home and the house feels so incredibly empty.

The Promise...

Back when times were so much better, we did something I'm now bitterly regretting dear ones. We made a promise, we agreed, when we adopted our precious baby Jade that she would be our last ever furbaby.

At the time, of course, it seemed like such a sensible decision. Even back then, I was already battling rheumatoid arthritis and then later osteoarthritis in my spine, and with hubby's knees not being what they were, well, as I said, it seemed a sensible promise to make.

So yes, a promise was made back then, in 2010, with our beautiful baby still a puppy and and with her filling our whole world with smiles, but now our home is unbearably empty, unbearably quiet, unbearably still, and that decision just doesn't seem so sensible any more.

Memories Everywhere...

Our baby is everywhere in our home, honeys. We were upstairs recently, arranging the guest room for my much loved brother in law's recent visit and while making up his bed for him we found one of Jade's tennis balls by the foot of the bed, tucked away, just underneath. I wasn't expecting it of course and it hit me harder than any physical impact could honeys.

Her jackets are still hanging in the hall, on their own tiny "dog tail" hooks, all waiting for her to go walkies with her Dad. Her seagrass baskets, stacked neatly in their little tower in the hall, still have her towelling dressing gowns and bath towels waiting for her, along with her brushes and other little accessories. She's everywhere honeys, everywhere except with her Mummy and Daddy, where she belongs.

When The Obvious Solution Still Feels Wrong...

Over the years, so many times, when I've heard that a friend, a co-worker, a neighbour has lost their furbaby, I've always been so quick to recommend they go immediately to their local shelter. So many babies all desperately in need of love and the safety of a home, and a sofa, of their own.

Our baby Jade rescued me from the worst depression following the loss of both of our furbabies in a single week. One to cancer and her little brother to the (unintentional) negligence of a veterinary nurse who dropped him during a scan. This lead to a bleed on the brain, left untreated of course because she hadn't told anyone, certainly not us. By the time we later rushed him to the small animal hospital, try as they did, they couldn't save our baby. The pain of the loss we felt that week was blinding. Both our babies gone.

Then, as if the universe was trying to help, a photo of our baby Jade appeared on Facebook. It was posted by a local rescue and I wasn't even on their page, it just appeared in my home/feed page or whatever it's called. I was talking to a dear friend on direct message who was worried about me (thank you my wee angel, you know who you are x) and there she was. I knew the minute I saw her face and I yelled for Hubby. Hubby looked at Jade's photo and said "let's give them a phone..." What followed was a little over thirteen years of happiness, cuddles and love. Did I still hurt for my lost furbabies? Of course I did, but Jade truly saved me from the depression that was beginning to overwhelm me.

Why The Hesitation?

Do I desperately want to run there, now, immediately and find a baby who needs love? Of course I do!

Something happened though, during lockdown and in the years following it, dear ones. Being immuno-suppressed, I was home, just Jade and I, for almost four years. This has had the effect of not only leaving me battling anxiety attacks whenever I find myself any distance away from our home, but it has also forced me to become far more aware of my own mortality, in a very real way too.

Do I worry about dying every day? No honeys, I don't, but what it has done is changed how I look at the future. There was a very famous slogan here in the UK years ago, used by The Dog's Trust that said "a dog is for life, not just for Christmas." It's a wonderful slogan, reminding potential pet parents of the responsibility they're undertaking when they adopt.

In years gone by, we'd never have doubted our ability to easily devote fifteen or eighteen years to the love and welfare of a little furbaby. The pandemic though has made me question what would happen if Hubby or I got ill, do we even have fifteen years now? What would happen, God forbid, to a furbaby if anything happened to either of us? In short, dear ones, it's made me doubt the certainty of the future.

So, here we are. Missing our furbaby so much that it's become a physical pain in my heart, and the one thing I've spent years advising others to do, the one thing that truly does help a pain-filled heart, I'm too scared to do, and that's without even addressing that promise we made all those years ago...

What's Next...

I know that only time will help, and painful as it is right now, that the memories of our baby will be a huge part of healing too. I've been going through photos and I genuinely had no idea how many we had.💖 So, so many precious photos of our baby and in all of them, all of them, she looks so happy. I know that will be a comfort too, someday. That our baby was loved and that she was happy.

I've battled depression for so many years honeys, and I know that being isolated, alone most of the time, which I am now, isn't helpful. It's already difficult to go outside, thanks to having stayed home for so long, although I spent all of that time with our baby Jade and for that I'll always be grateful.

I always try, when I can, to be positive and when considering adopting again, I can only see positives. Having a furbaby with me when Hubby is at work, really would make the house less lonely. It's a very long day waiting for Hubby to get back home at night and I live in a street where all of my neighbours are out at work too so it's really quiet here all day long.

Having a furbaby might give me a reason to go outside again. Even if it's just to join Hubby for furbaby walks in the evenings. Could we give a good home to a furbaby? Yes, I know we could honeys. Should we not adopt in case something happens to either of us in the future? If we all lived that way, no one would ever go outside or do anything. I am trying to see this rationally, but still, I have doubts. This is the legacy that the pandemic has left me with.

Listening To Heal....

A wonderful "Ted Talk" appeared in the "new for you" panel, on Youtube honeys. I've no idea why it was suggested for me, can Google read minds? I only know that I'm so grateful it was. I cried while watching some of it but they were good tears, healing tears, and after watching, I felt (just a little bit) lighter.

It's for that reason that I thought I'd share it dear ones. As I said, I've heard of two others recently who have lost their beloved furbabies and I thought if I share this video, even if it helps one more person in the way it helped me, well that would be wonderful.

So, here it is then, the Ted Talk by Sarah Hoggan DVM, she is an emergency vet and a wonderful, caring soul and, if like us, you have lost your furbaby, or know someone who has, please do share her video. I'll add the direct link below in case you'd like to forward it to anyone.💖

Thank you for keeping me company honeys, it means more than I can tell say.💖 Sending you mountains of hugs always, and if you're lucky enough to have furbabies, sending so many hugs for them too.🥰💖 Stay warm and safe dear ones, till next time x