Hi Honeys,
How are you today? All well I hope? This morning I was in the kitchen, watching two adorable collared doves at the feeders on our little apple tree when it dawned on me how many leaves there are all over the garden. It was pretty windy, and rainy, during last night so, it's officially autumn then I suppose.🍂
Poor Hubby. Every year he spends hours in our back garden, cleaning up all of the leaves only to go back inside and in no time at all, you'd swear the trees wait until he closes the back door and give themselves a good shake, because it's just as "leafy" all over again.🍂😊
I'm so sorry I've been missing for so long. Things have been happening. Not world ending things, but they've certainly made life challenging. Yes. Challenging is a good word for it.
I have no idea how long this post will be, but I get the feeling that this is probably a post to get comfy for honeys. It might be a good idea to go grab a cuppa (and maybe a cookie or two... no, bring the pack🍪😊) and I'll meet you here after the break? See you in a few minutes...
Welcome back dear ones🤗 Do you have your cuppa? (and maybe a cookie?) I do too☕🍪 Sit back, put your feet up then and get comfy and I'll try to explain what's been happening recently.
A Little Background Information...
I've been trying to write this post for a few weeks now, longer actually, and just haven't been able to get very far. Mostly because, as I've said so often in the past, I don't like "pity parties" and I refuse to be the guest of honour at one. Even if I'm the only guest.
I'd rather be mocked (and I absolutely have been over the years lol😊) for being far too positive. I've never minded it a bit, instead it's usually made me smile even more because it meant my "happy mask" was working. I've battled depression for a very, very (really very honeys) long time, so I've always thought that if what the world outside saw was a happy, smiling Rosie, well that was good. Nothing to see here, move along world. Everything's fine...
Generally though, for a good number of years, I really was (mostly) happy. I worked in retail and I loved my wee job. Truly. I had regular customers I looked forward to seeing every week and some genuinely lovely co-workers who brightened even my darkest days.
The retail world has been changing though honeys. Less people, more automation. So jobs were already being cut. Then the pandemic happened. Shopping moved online and the retail world began creating even more apps and concentrating more on the logistics of home delivery than on face-to-face service to customers.
In amongst these changes, I was forced to face the fact that my mobility had declined so much that I simply wasn't coping anymore. I had been sent for a scan at the hospital and they'd found osteoarthritis in the base of my spine, in addition to some other issues. It was just another thing to have to cope with.
I knew I wasn't coping so well anymore when I began regularly "losing" a day (sometimes two) following my shifts to pain and exhaustion. Every week I worked two busy shifts, almost back-to-back honeys. I worked 5pm till 10.30pm (regularly 11pm or later) on Friday nights, only to be back in again Saturday lunchtime till 9.30pm or 10pm. It was challenging (there's that word again) but the interactions there, that face-to-face connection was vital to me, to my mental health. I truly loved being there.
During lockdown, I was stuck at home because I'm immuno-suppressed due to a medication I take for my rheumatoid arthritis. I had to make a choice honeys. Whether to continue taking my medication, suppressing my immune system, or to stop taking it. I did call and speak to a Doctor at the hospital, and he told me they didn't know enough about it yet and that I had to make the decision myself. Well, with a worldwide pandemic that no one, even doctors knew enough about to give advise, I decided to stop taking them. Well, that lasted less than six months honeys. I found myself in so much pain, it was truly awful.
I called our own Dr and asked her if I could re-start my medication and explained why. She agreed straight away and reminded me that it would take some time for it to "load" back to the level I had originally had in my system and till then, it wouldn't help much with the pain. I was also told, by a Dr at the hospital, that there was a possibility that stopping my medication as I had, meant I might have "taken my foot off the break" and that the pain I was in might mean my arthritis had "progressed." It had.
After a (very) long talk with Hubby, I made the decision that I really didn't want to make. I simply couldn't carry on any longer. I imagined being back at work and imagined doing what I used to do every week and I cried because I knew the pain I was in wouldn't let me. Then I imagined my lovely regular customers and my wonderful co-workers seeing me struggle, or God forbid, cry the way I had been doing at home, and I knew. The decision was made.
It was the hardest decision honeys, but I know (even though it still hurts terribly, even now) that it was the right one because my job was a manual one and it really had been making my RA so much worse, no matter how much I loved it.
On To The Challenge At Hand...
I don't go outside honeys. Well, that's not entirely true. That should really have read I don't willingly go outside. In fact, for years now, long before pandemics or lockdowns, the only time I ever left our home, literally, was to go to work or to attend medical appointments. My life outside our home now, and for these past few years, is made up of trips to our Doctors surgery, every 2-3 months, to have bloods done, blood pressure checked, asthma check etc and visits to the rheumatology (arthritis) clinic at our local hospital every 6 months or so.
One of the reasons my job was so important, so vital to me dear ones was because, other than those medical appointments, my much loved little job was my only physical connection to the outside world. It was somewhere I had to be, somewhere others expected me to be, so, no matter how I felt, I knew I had to go outside and go there. It was also a place I could chat to other humans. Face to face. Without my little job, I haven't been coping very well.
A Bump In The Road...
Something happened recently honeys. It was a daft wee thing really, in the scheme of things. The leg (or is it an arm?) of my glasses broke off. I asked Hubby to look at them, thinking it might just be a tiny screw had come out from the metal frame, that had happened before with other glasses, but no. It had broken.
One phone call to the optician later, where I was reminded that my eye test was very overdue, (it had been almost five years! Yikes!) and I had an appointment arranged for four days later, the first she had available. I thanked her and hung up, only to be hit almost instantly by waves of anxiety. I'm talking full on "fight or flight." I sat down on the sofa and tried to talk some sense into myself, or at least to get my heart to slow down a tiny bit because it was racing.
I gave myself the same lecture I do whenever I have any other reason to leave our home. It'll be fine. I'll book a taxi. I'll be there and back in no time....
A Catalogue of Calamities...
So, no sleep the night before my appointment honeys, but again, that's the norm and has been for the longest time. Morning took far too long to arrive (have you ever noticed how slowly the time till morning passes when you're the only one in the house awake?)
Eventually though, there I am sitting on the sofa. I was showered, dressed, had my handbag on (it has a crossbody strap) and was waiting for the taxi to arrive to pick me up. My eye test appointment was booked for 11.50am, the optician is in the local shopping centre (mall) only a few minutes drive from our home and I'd booked a taxi for 11am.
The taxi arrived a few minutes earlier than I was expecting and honked his horn loudly. This actually helped because it meant that I had to hurry out of our front door and didn't have time for the panic to set in properly.
Finding myself in the taxi, with my little relator, which is a form of wheeled walker, I was off. I rarely use my walker outside our home but since the opticians is quite a walk from the nearest spot a taxi can drop me, being embarrassed by stares (even if they're all in my imagination) is the lesser of two evils when compared to the pain I get in my spine when trying to walk any distance honeys.
Calamity one:
My first omen that I should just give up and go straight home happened as I was getting out of the taxi. The cross-body strap on my bag snapped. It's one of my favourite bags too! I removed the strap and put it into the bag, thinking I can maybe fix it later and pushed one arm through the two handles, then I set off towards the centre. Our local shopping centre is an large, enclosed collection of shop units, on two levels.
It didn't look very busy inside, looking in through the glass doors. I took a deep breath and stepped through the automatic doors that opened when I was close enough. The very second I walked through the doors, the noise hit me, Why was it so loud when I'd seen it far busier in the past? I frantically looked around to see where was least busy and noticed that the glass front of one of the shops showed employees working, filling shelves etc but practically no customers.
I headed inside. One there, and finding myself in an empty aisle, I sat down on the chair of my little walker and closed my eyes to try to get my heart to stop pounding. Such a ridiculous reaction! I worked retail for years, the busiest (weekend) shifts. Why was I having to battle "fight or flight" because of the noise inside a shopping mall?
A young woman in a uniform asked me if I was ok, I tried to adopt my "happy Rosie" mask (not sure I managed it) said I was fine and thanked her. She didn't look very convinced but she went back to what she was doing and left me alone. The shop only had one entrance and a different exit. So, I had to walk around and past the checkouts to the exit to leave.
I looked at my watch. It was a gift from hubby, and it can read my blood pressure which according to our Dr is "stubbornly high." It said 11.22am. My appointment at the optician was for 11.50am.
My watch is "synced" to Hubby's phone, this fact will become important soon. Hubby set the phone up for me and while I do have a "smart" phone, it's currently a paperweight because technology really doesn't like me. It really, really doesn't. It's almost bullying me now actually....😊
Calamity Two:
I began working my way around to the exit, telling myself not to be ridiculous, it was fine, I'd be back home again soon. Look how quiet this shop was. Not even any music...
On the way to the exit, and as I went past things, I picked up a little multipack of custard pots for our furbaby Jade, some fruit snacks for hubby's lunch box and a "scrub daddy" for the kitchen. I keep seeing them in YouTube cleaning videos and on blogs and have wanted one for ages.
Quite near the checkout I saw some little latch hook kits, the design on them was a rainbow. I picked one up, it made me smile and I'd really enjoyed making the last one I completed. Hubby got it for me as a surprise, do you remember it honeys? It was a bumble bee...
Finally making it to the checkouts, I put my odd, small collection of items onto the conveyor belt of the checkout and then, as the girl at the checkout scanned them, I placed them into my bag. I tried to pay by "tapping" my card on the pin reading machine and.... you guessed it.
My card refused to tap, swipe or whatever it's meant to do. See what I mean dear ones? Technology, it just doesn't like me. Thankfully, the shop was still all but empty. There was only the girl at checkout, myself and, after a minute or so, another very kind, older lady who appeared behind me. They both tried to get the card to "swipe" for me, bless them, but no...
Finally, the checkout operator asked me if I could just put my card into the reader and manually type in my "pin" number. I was by now, genuinely trying not to cry, my stomach was turning over and I felt so sure that they could both see it.
I explained that I hadn't been properly out of the house in nearly 4 years, so I hadn't needn't to use my pin number. The lovely elderly lady said "oh, that happens to me all the time, just have a guess, that's what I do. Mostly it works..." and she smiled at me. So, I had a guess and it
worked!! Yaaaaaayyy!!!
I thanked both ladies and set off to the opticians. As I got outside the shop, it didn't feel so loud anymore. I glanced at my watch, still synced to Hubby's phone, which he
uses every day. I'm just making that point for what it's worth 😊
and it said 11.36am so I had 14 mins to get to the opticians.
Funny thing, the
centre has changed so much in 4 years that it wasn't where I remembered or thought it would
be but I still made it into the shop at exactly 11.50am - the time of my
appointment! Another yaaaaayyyyy!!!
Well, no....
A girl appeared next to me, she looked quite worried, bless her and asked me if I needed any help? Maybe a glass of water? I thanked her and said that I was just in time for my appointment, 11.50am and gave her my name.
She said it was after
12 noon and glanced at the monitor on the desk she was next to. "Yes.." she said "...it's two minutes past twelve." OK, that was it honeys. I think my limit had been reached for things going wrong. "Oh no.... " I said, and held up my watch for her to see. "look..." I said, showing her my watch. It's huge, very bright, digital display was then saying 11.52.
The girl was lovely, she went to talk to
optician, apologise for me, She came back and said he'd told her I had to
make another appointment. Turns out he'd already had three other people not show up
for appointments that morning and he had another appointment at 12.50 (so he
still had almost an hour before then... just saying.) I have a strong feeling honeys that I was being "punished" for his bad morning.
Anyway, the girl was so sweet, she kept saying sorry, bless her. She made me another appointment, for a week later, the following Thursday at
1.20pm. I thanked her for her help, apologised again and left. I wheeled my little rollator/walker back to the doors of the Centre, went outside, to the taxi rank and went back home where I had a good cry.
Another week went by with my using glasses with only one leg (or arm?) on them. They kept falling off and it really was very irritating. It's taught me to appreciate my glasses honeys, it really has.
My New Glasses.... Finally!😎
The following Thursday, again, another sleepless night. No shopping, not even a little bit, I went straight to the opticians, gave my name and took a seat in the waiting area. I was 40 minutes early.
You can imagine my surprise, and joy, when an optician came out and called my name with a huge smile. A different optician was on duty that day, a lovely lady optician. I explained to her what had happened the week before. She said he (the optician) could have easily done my eye test, and that she would have done.
I had my eye test done, finally and one of the assistants even helped me to choose some frames. She was so nice, she even asked me if I'd like a pair of prescription sunglasses (they run a two pairs for one type deal) and I said to her "it's Scotland, when would I wear sunglasses?" without missing a beat she said "on holiday" 😄
Having chosen my new frames and ordered my glasses, I made an appointment for Hubby to have his eye test done, thanked everyone and went home.
The following weekend, Hubby picked up my new glasses for me and I just love them...
Staying Positive...
One thing I've learned from the events of these past few weeks, and from the adventures around my glasses breaking, is that it really isn't healthy to stay home for such an extended time. I have to regain my ability to go outside when I want to honeys, without having to deal with the sheet of invisible glass insidiously placed there by invisible gremlins.
For that reason, I decided I might need some help, some advice. So, I asked our practice nurse for help, and she asked our new Dr to give me a call, which she did. I'm so, so grateful to them both because even though the problem is still there, just having them listen to me and want to help, it's given me hope that I can win the battle again. That I can reclaim outside again.
A Starting Point?
Hubby suggested that I try going on short walks with him, and our furbaby Jade. This seemed like an amazing idea, so I immediately said yes, but it's proved to be... a challenge. There's that word again. I finally made it last night. I made it outside and on a short walk with the two most important people in my life.
I'm going to (try) to be positive. I did it. I managed a (very) short walk but I still had that sick feeling in my stomach and had to keep the front door of our house in my sight. It will get better honeys. It has to. The more wee walks we have, the easier it will get (hopefully.)
Final Thoughts...
It was really hard to ask for help honeys but I'm so glad that I did. I've been hiding away from the world for almost four years and that's just not living. I've been wasting the life I've been blessed to have and that has to stop. Every single day we get is a gift and it's time that I start to appreciate that.
Oddly enough, I've always "counted my blessings" each day. I was taught by my beloved Grammy to take a minute every morning before I jump out of bed to start my day. She told me to look around myself and if I have a safe roof above my head, a bed to sleep in and even a wee bit of food in the house, that I should take a minute and thank my angels, because for sure I was being looked after.
Too many of us stay quiet about issues we face honeys, when there are lovely people, like our practice nurse and our lovely new Dr, who really do want to help. Who are willing to listen. All you have to do is ask. Don't want to go to the Drs? Then talk to a friend, a favourite relative, somebody you feel safe talking to. You deserve to be happy honeys, you really do.💖
Good grief! This post has turned into a small book! I'm so sorry honeys🤗I didn't mean to waffle on so, so long. For anyone still here, still reading, thank you so, so much. It means more to me than I can say. Have a wonderful weekend when it gets here, sending you mountains of hugs always dear ones,😊🥰😘💖
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