Hi Honeys,
The past two years or so haven't been great have they, but we've finally arrived in my favourite season of the year and, given everything happening in the world, maybe its time to start to make plans instead of worrying about the future. I'm talking to myself most of all here honeys. No more moping about Rosie!
I've spent most of the last year or so practising my super-hermit skills and hiding away from the world. It really does have to stop now though. It's gotten unhealthy. Yes honeys, no matter how difficult it is to stop it, the hiding-away has to end.
Time to find the old Rosie. The one who full-on-belly-laughs, the one who sees rainbows instead of clouds and just irritates all sense out of co-workers by wearing a huge smile all the time. The one who is just grateful for every single day and annoys all patience out of everybody around her by only seeing the best in every situation.
Of course, a good part of my sun-is-always-shining persona has always been a mask, having battled depression for so many years. Over time though, I found that just being around people seemed to naturally blend with the genuine gratitude I felt for all of the blessings in my life. The result was that happy, always-smiling Rosie. Even on bad days. For bad days I have my coping mechanisms, among them, visiting my beautiful beach. The same beach that helped me through a CT scan.
I'm sure smiley Rosie is still in here somewhere, waiting to be found again. It's been over a year honeys, it's past time to pull up my big girl pants, put on my most determined expression and go find her...
I have a feeling that this post, since it's a catch up on what's been happening, might well end up being a bit of a read 😄 Why not go grab a cuppa and maybe a cookie (or two 😊) and meet me back here after the page break...
Welcome back dear ones. Do you have your cuppa? Cool, me too ☕🍪 Let's chat....
Catching up...
I just checked and I haven't updated this little corner of the internet since Halloween! How did that happen? I adore this little blog. It's my space to create, to have fun and be me, but I suppose I suffered such a shock to the system that I fell off the internet and into the deepest, darkest funk. Not just any old funk either. I'm talking about a not-going-outside, not crafting, not even opening my living room curtains type of funk.
Long story short then honeys. I lost my much loved job and got a bit depressed about it. There's an understatement if ever there's been one. OK, long (ish) slightly more detailed (but hopefully not TMI) version it is then. Put your feet up and get comfy, or scroll ahead and skip all of my "what's been going on" waffling dear ones💖
For nearly fifteen years I (very) happily worked away at my little retail job. I loved it. Every little bit about it. I looked forward to seeing regular customers and I worked with the best group of people ever assembled under one roof (in my humble opinion.) It's safe to say that I loved my wee job a ridiculous amount 💗 Then a pandemic happened...
Lock Down Decisions
Like many others who live with chronic health conditions, I found myself being told to stay home for a while. This was at the very beginning, so no one, not even doctors at that point, knew very much about covid yet. The one thing they all seemed to agree on though was that it seemed to negatively affect certain groups of people. Those who were elderly, those who had certain chronic illnesses and anyone who was immuno-suppressed.
Since I am a lady with (too many) chronic illnesses and since I take a medication which is designed to suppress my immune system - in rheumatoid arthritis, it is the body's immune system that attacks the joints - I was ticking too many covid boxes to be happy with the situation honeys.
Well honeys, with the whole world facing an unknown, rapidly spreading infection, and with the media making everybody believe the world was ending, I decided I might need my immune system after all. I did phone and discuss my decision with one of the doctors at the arthritis clinic I attend, but was told they couldn't tell me what to do, that it had to be my decision.
So, in March 2020, I stopped taking my main RA medication. This, and being isolated safely at home, seemed to be the best plan, I thought, but only a few months later, in September of the same year, I was forced to re-start them again because I was in so much pain. I was literally holding onto the walls and furniture to get around our home honeys.
Looking Back...
With hindsight, stopping my medication might not have been my best decision (ya think, Rosie?) because, according to my doctor, it's possible that having done that, I might have allowed the arthritis to "progress." I have no idea if that's true (I've been told I'm to have to have an MRI to see), or if it was being at home and not doing everything I regularly did at work - use it or lose it as my dear Gramma used to say - but whatever the cause, to this day my mobility is so much worse than it was. I can't walk any distance now and even standing for any length of time is very painful.
Another Painful Decision...
Fast forward then to just after the holidays, January 2021, and in spite of determined efforts to keep moving (use it or lose it again) and trying to build back to where I had been with my yoga, I was increasingly aware that the osteoarthritis in my lower spine seemed to have definitely worsened. There was no way I could go back to work because, and this was the hardest thing I've ever had to admit to myself, I would be no use to my employer.
Of course, I chatted with Hubby about it, worrying how we'd cope with only one salary. Hubby seemed relieved, I think he'd been waiting for me to make the decision, bless him, and he said we'd be fine. We went over our budget, trimmed "extras" and thankfully all of our regular outgoings/bills could be covered with his salary.
I called my manager to let him know. I have a feeling he already knew though because he'd stayed in touch, calling me, just as he had so many of us all still isolating at home in our bubbles, around every two to three weeks just for a quick chat and to see how we are. He did seem genuinely sad to hear my decision, but agreed to start the company process for me to leave.
It took a while to have medical reports and paperwork all done but by April last year I found myself, for the first time in a very, very, long time... unemployed. Hubby, bless his wee socks, kept reminding me I still had him and Jade to take care of 💗
Losing A Year And Perfecting My Hermit Skills...
I made a trip to our doctors surgery on Tuesday of this week honeys, it was my ninth trip outside our home in just over two years! I had distracted myself with anything I could in order to not deal with losing my much loved wee job but somewhere among the lock-downs it caught up with me. I really did fall into that funk, very hard and head first I think.
I suppose it should have been a red flag, my disappearing from social media. I haven't been on any of my social media accounts in over a year, even this little blog has been neglected. Shrinking away from the world is how I cope honeys. It's how I cope with overwhelm, it's how I cope with loss.
Hubby's helpful advice...
Hubby said something last year that's really stayed with me, and it helped me such a lot. I'm passing it on in the hope that it might help anyone else who finds themselves feeling the way I did.
We'd been chatting and I was telling him that I just couldn't seem to shake off the cloud that was following me everywhere (again with the under statement!). It was summer, the sun was shining and even my much loved garden or roses held not a jot of interest or enjoyment for me. I just couldn't find my "happy."
Hubby's reply was that I had to let myself feel what I was feeling. That to me, losing my job (other than doctor appointments, my only physical connection with outside) was like a type of bereavement. He said I wouldn't feel better until I allowed myself to acknowledge it and to "mourn" for what I'd lost.
That advice made me feel as if a light had been switched on. Of course he was right.💖 Hubby has always been really smart and so many times over the years he's said exactly the right thing at exactly the right time. (thank you sweetheart, love you x)
Understanding...
It wasn't just the loss of my job I had to deal with honeys. It was the recognition that, even without the pandemic, without the results of my not taking my meds for a few months, without any of it, I had already been struggling with the osteoarthritis they'd found some time back in the base of my spine. That was never going to get any better. Sooner or later I would have had to give up my job. Circumstances just hurried it along a little is all.
Now What...
I suppose I need to find a way back to the world. Or at least into the garden and my roses. It would be a start. It's so much harder than it sounds though. I feel blessed for the lovely friends who've stayed with me during my time as a hermit, reaching out with phone calls (you know who you are honeys, thank you so much xx) All of this has been pulled into sharp focus by our recent discovery that somebody we love more than air, a family member, is ill. He truly means the world to us and is the centre of our hopes and prayers and thoughts right now.
Like I said, time to give myself a shake. Nothing else I've mentioned in this post matters now. None of it. Only that somebody we love gets better.
It's Spring dear ones. There's so much activity around us. The gardens are starting to burst into life again, there are so many baby birds visiting the feeders on our tiny apple tree. It's a time of hopes and plans and dreams. In case you haven't heard it today, you matter. You're needed and trust me, even if you don't know it, you're loved.
It's too easy to become lost in sadness, loneliness and negativity. Too easy to believe the voices in our heads that tell us we're less than. Time to kick those negative thoughts out of there. It's Spring, plant kinder seeds in your brain and encourage them to grow by repeating to yourself every single day that you matter, you're needed. You make a difference to the world by being in it. Because you do.
There is only one you in this whole world. Imagine that. Only you. Even twins have different fingerprints and are their own brand of awesome. How fabulous is that? Honour your own uniqueness and be as kind to yourself as you are to others.
Be you honeys, you're amazing! Till next time dear ones, hugs always xx
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