I'm sorry I haven't posted this week. I have recipes and an organizing project on the back burner and waiting to be written up but I just can't concentrate. we suffered the worst loss in the early hours of Sunday morning when we learned that we'd lost my dear sweet Mum in Law.
It feels wrong writing that on so many levels. Firstly I don't ever refer to Mum as my Mother in Law, ever. She's always just been "Mum" because that's what she's been to me. A Mum and so, so much more. She means the whole world to me and just like that she's gone. I haven't been able to process it yet and I know this "numb" stage will wear off, but for now I keep crying at the oddest times. Crying when I'm washing dishes, crying when folding laundry... but it doesn't help. It can't help.
I'm being absolutely no use to my dear Hubby either. He appears to be handling it so much better than I am, but I know he's not really. He's doing what he's always done. Being strong for me. I know he's in such terrible pain too but I also know he won't let me see it, bless him.
I really do desperately want to scream at whatever universal power is in charge of these things that it's just not bloody fair and I want Mum back. She was the sweetest, kindest most loving woman. She worked hard all her life and never hurt anyone, and she had a heart the size of a planet. How can it be fair that we have to lose her so soon?
I really can't imagine my life without Mum being there and I just don't want to have to. I know the whole family feels exactly the same. It's not fair. Why is it that genuinely lovely people who've never hurt anyone else suffer the most?
Why isn't there a cosmic appeal panel for these decisions? I keep thinking that if the universe made any kind of sense we could point out when a colossal mistake had been made by the powers that be and have it undone. Is there some kind of unearthly quota to be met? If so, given the choice I'd gladly have gone instead of Mum. She really did make the world a much better place just by being a part of it and it's gotten darker now that she isn't here. It's not fair. x
Edit: No idea where this image came from originally, if it's yours please let me know and I'll remove it. Thank you x